Celebrate Despair With Me
by Wandering Violinist
Summary: Thirteen must cope with her inevitable fate, but she cannot do it alone. Thirteen's POV.
1. Bond

"Being miserable sucks, doesn't it?"

I stared at him as I waited for his answer. He held his shot glass up and smirked.

"Nope, not really."

I frowned, but I expected that answer from him. Sighing, I stared up at the TV, captivated by the soft glow emanating from it.

Finishing his shot, House glanced at my glass. "You gonna finish yours?"

Turning my attention away from the television, I gave a small nod and took the fiery shot.

"Are you miserable?" House looked at me.

_What a stupid question. _"I guess I am," I answered. "Knowing that you're going to die from a disease with no cure is kind of depressing, don't you think?"

House didn't answer. Instead, he posed another question. "Are you scared?"

_Another idiotic question. _"Scared of what?"

"Y'know, dying, leaving everyone you 'care about'… all that crap." House rubbed his temples. I decided to ponder his question. Absorbing my surroundings, I realized that we were in a depressing place: a dark and lonely bar. Smoke from the cigarettes of drunkards filled the air, dimming the lights and stuffing my lungs full of poison. But that didn't disturb me. _Nothing really seems to bother me now… now that I know I'm going to die. But I'm still a little scared… because I'm unsure._

We were silent for a moment until House added bitterly, "Do you even have anyone that you 'care about'?"

"…do you?"

He shrugged. "I don't know."

"You _do_ know," I rolled my eyes. "You just don't want to tell me, because that would ruin my image of you. You want me to see you as a heartless bastard, but you're really--"

House took another shot and slammed the glass down. I waited for him to say something, but he refused. He just stared at me, his blue eyes boring into my own.

"What?" I asked nervously.

"…nothing." He paused and looked up at the television. "So what are you going to do, now that you know you're going to die? What do you want?"

"I want…" I hesitated, biting my lip. "I want answers. Answers to all of the questions I have." _But I don't think I can do this alone… _

"You want answers, huh. So do I," House stared at the empty glass in his hands, a look of interest forming on his face.

"Come on, let's get out of here." House stood up, grasping his cane. I followed him outside into the chilly night, staring at him as he walked over to his car.

"We should do this again sometime."

And as he opened his car door and stepped inside, I swear that I saw a smile creep onto his face. _What the hell was that?_ Stepping into my own car, I began to think that this might be the start of something interesting.


	2. Smile

"_We should do this again sometime."_

House's parting words from the other night were still fresh in my mind as I walked into the hospital. Entering the conference room, House thrust his clinic duty on me. Instead of arguing, I gave an annoyed sigh and headed for the clinic. _It would be just like him if he chose me because of the other night._ Brushing my thoughts aside, I arrived at the clinic and grabbed a file.

Immediately entering the exam room, I slowly closed the door behind me and turned to the seemingly patient middle-aged woman inside.

"I'm Doctor Hadley," I introduced myself.

The woman smiled at me. As I read through her medical history, she sighed.

"Is everything all right with me?"

I nodded. "Everything seems to be okay. It looks as though you might have a cold."

As I finished examining her, the woman stood up. "Thank you." Before she left the exam room, she turned to me and said, "Doctor, you should smile. Life isn't as horrible as you might think."

I stared at her. _Why the hell should I smile? She doesn't know anything about me._ I gave a simple nod and she left the room. "Until I find what it means to be happy, I won't smile," I said to myself.

Unsurprisingly, I ran into House as I left the exam room.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, annoyed.

"I just wanted to say hello," House said sarcastically.

I frowned at his answer. "How thoughtful of you. Listen, I…"

"You… want to meet again tonight?" It was as though House had read my mind. _Am I really that predictable?_ "I would like to talk again. Our last conversation was interesting." He stared at me with an amused twinkle in his eye.

"Fine," I answered.

"See you at the bar tonight," House said, downing one of his vicodin pills. Before he left the clinic, I heard him say, "Smile."

Later that night, I drove into the parking lot of our meeting place and stepped outside. Wrapping my arms around myself, I quickly walked inside the building as the warm, alcohol-tinged air attempted to reach my numb body.

Walking up to the bar, House's eyes met mine and I sat down wordlessly next to him.

"You're late."

I gave a small laugh. "Started without me?" Eyeing the alcohol in front of him, I sighed and ordered myself a drink. After a moment of silence, and without thinking, I blurted out something that had been on my mind all day:

"What is happiness?"

House didn't answer me at first—he stared up at the television and downed his drink. I swallowed hard.

"Do _you_ ever wonder what it means to be happy?"

"Sure. Everyone does." He turned to me. "Why do you care?"

"I don't…" At least, I didn't think that I did. I just wanted to know if there were others that thought about the same things I did. Silence passed over us once again.

"Anything else you want to talk about tonight?" House looked at me with that same interested twinkle in his eye, making me uneasy. I gave a small nod and swallowed a bit of my drink.

"When I was in the clinic today, one of the patients… she told me to smile, that life isn't as bad as I think it is."

"Well, did you smile?" House turned his gaze toward the drink in his hand.

"…no."

He snickered, "That doesn't surprise me. You feel like you don't have any reason to be happy, do you? You feel sorry for yourself, and you don't want to listen to anything remotely positive because…" His voice trailed off and I looked at him. "…you _want_ to be miserable."

"I do not," I said. "I think you're talking about yourself. You're the one who wants to be miserable. I want to find happiness before I die, but nothing I do makes me feel happy. That's why I want to know… what happiness is."

"Well, good luck with that," House stood up and headed towards the exit, my eyes slowly followed him toward the doors. _He's leaving… damn it._

I wanted him to turn around and tell me that I have value… that it's okay for me to smile. He didn't say any of that. And I knew he wouldn't. But I still hoped for those words to escape his mouth. He left without another word, and I sunk further into despair.


	3. Can I Have A Kiss

_It's been a while since we last met…_

I stood in my bathroom, staring into the mirror at my tear-stained face. House and I hadn't met outside of work for a while, but that wasn't the reason for my tears. Kutner was dead. And my repressed emotions began to flood back into my mind. _Death feels so close to me now…_ For the first time, I was ready to admit to someone, anyone, that I was scared. Scared out of my mind. I wanted to scream, but I could barely speak.

"I don't want to die…"

I fell to the floor and slumped forward, defeated. Glancing up toward the sink, I noticed a silvery gleam of a razor blade. _Maybe this will keep my mind off of everything else for a little while._ I reached for the razor and brought it down to my eye level. As I stared at the shimmering blade, my mind seemed to wander, and I let go of the razor. It sliced my forearm and I winced as it fell to the floor.

Blood began to bubble up on my arm and slowly trickled down to the floor. I gasped in pain and immediately I was greeted with a strange feeling of temporary euphoria. All of the things that had been on my mind seemed to disappear as my arm continued to bleed. I was about to smile when I felt something poking me in the back. I slowly turned my head and instantly recognized the person standing behind me.

"H-House…" I stared blankly up at him. _How did he get in? I didn't even hear him…_

He stared at my arm, red with blood. "You've been calling in sick for the past few days. Everyone wanted me to see how you're doing." _He can't be serious…_ "I guess that's not the case though." I looked at my arm and tried to cover it with my hand.

"It… it's nothing…" I grimaced as all of my thoughts—my fears—returned to me.

House rolled his eyes at my weak attempt to hide my pain as he reached for some bandages in my medicine cabinet. Dropping his cane, he sat down next to me and gently grabbed my arm, wrapping it firmly.

"There," House paused. "Why did you do it?"

I looked at him with wide, fearful eyes. I couldn't hide it anymore. "It was an accident… I was thinking about cutting myself… but the blade slipped out of my hands before I could do it myself." House stared back at me as a tear fell down my cheek. I quickly turned my head—I didn't want him to see me cry, but my attempt was futile. I felt his hand on my face, and he slowly turned my face back to his, wiping the tears from my face at the same time. _What…?_

"House…" I was confused. I never expected him to act this way. It was as if he cared. Maybe this was just a façade. _But why would he fake this?_ For some reason, I believed, no, I hoped that House was sincere.

"I'm scared," I stammered. More tears ran silently down my face. I closed my eyes and leaned into House. Warmth wrapped around me in a calming embrace and I knew that it was him, but it surprised me; I didn't really expect this from House. _He's so… warm… I've never felt this before._ I returned his embrace and held on tight. _I don't want to let go… you're all I have, House._

House pulled away for a moment and looked at me. I looked back at him with longing in my eyes. I didn't want to be alone… I wanted to touch, to feel another person. But not just anyone. And House was that person, the one I wanted to know better. He leaned into me and when his lips touched mine, all of my troubling thoughts evaporated once again. I kissed back, with a passion and vigor that surprised me. Maybe this was the escape from despair we were both searching for.

We needed this.


	4. Happiness Interrupted

_Is the darkness finally gone…?_

I woke up the next morning to an overcast sky. Noticing his arm gently wrapped around me, I moved my naked body closer to his and closed my eyes, breathing in his scent. I felt my numbness and my fears disappearing. All of my thoughts focused on him, and this strange feeling inside me. _What… is this?_

House yawned and shifted around, turning to me. I looked up at him as he ruffled my hair with a mischievous grin.

"G'morning," House said, yawning again. I moved closer to him and bit my lip. "What?" He sounded concerned, but I didn't look up at him. _I wonder…_

"What are you feeling right now?"

"What do you mean?" I could sense House was looking at me with his probing eyes, but I refused to look.

"Just answer me," I said, slowly looking up at him. "Happy or sad? Hot or cold? Empty or…"

House got out of bed and started to put his clothes back on. I stared at him, waiting for an answer.

"You do feel something, don't you? Something good." My lips curled into a knowing smile. "That's why you're ignoring me."

He turned to look at me and said with a small grin, "Shut up."

I smiled to myself as he walked toward the door. I quickly threw a shirt on and followed House.

"So you're leaving now…"

"Yeah," House shrugged. "Places to go, people to see."

I wanted him to stay, but I couldn't force myself to ask him to remain here with me and my slowly returning feelings of despair.

"This isn't going to last forever." He placed his hand on the doorknob and I inhaled sharply.

"Don't you think I know that?" _I just… want more time._

House moved his hand from the door to my arm. As I looked into his eyes, I noticed sadness in them—that misery that brought us together was still there. _I wonder if he sees the same thing in my eyes…_

We kissed for what I feared might be the last time, and he slowly turned to the door and opened it. Before he was completely out of sight, he turned around and stared at me.

"See you Monday?"

I nodded, a small feeling of hope burning in my chest. "Yeah."


	5. Temporary Euphoria

Monday came faster than I wanted it to, and I reluctantly got ready for work as I remembered the promise I made to House the other night.

_I said I would go back._

I hesitated at the door. _Maybe I should just stay here... no. _I decided that it would be better for me to stop moping and actually do something with the remaining time I had. I also wanted to see him again.

When I entered House's office, I didn't receive any kind of special welcome—it was as if I was never absent in the first place. But I honestly didn't expect them to act any different. Relieved, I took my place among Foreman and Taub and we quickly got to work.

* * *

It was the middle of the day, and there was no sign of House.

I frowned as I finished eating my lunch. _Maybe he's in the clinic._ But I knew that he hated being there and he tried everything to avoid it. Shrugging, I stood up and walked in the direction of our patient's room.

Seeing that Foreman and Taub were handling everything at the moment, I decided that I would look around for House. _They can just page me if they need my help._

I walked slowly through the hallways, glancing nonchalantly into each room until I found House. When I realized whose room he was in, I sighed.

House was sitting in one of the coma patient's rooms, probably avoiding work. I stared at him through the glass for a moment and wondered whether I should confront him or just leave. Before I had time to decide, House looked over and gestured for me to come in.

I entered the room, slowly opening and closing the sliding door. The television was on, but I didn't pay any attention to what was on it. I looked at the coma patient and wondered what he was dreaming about, if he was dreaming at all. While I watched the sleeping man, my fears tried to resurface in my mind. I hoped that I wouldn't have to stay here long.

"Why are you in here?" I asked, turning to House.

House stared at me. "Because this guy's real easy to talk to."

I rolled my eyes. "I wanted to ask you about… the other night…"

"Of course," House stood up. "Why else would you be here?"

"Why did you stay?"

I expected a sarcastic answer, but House did not respond. He stood in front of me quietly, the soft hum of the television continued in the background. I wondered if the coma patient could hear us.

"I think you know why," he answered, looking at me. "We both wanted it, right?"

I nodded slowly. _But… were we really just using each other? We're just running away from the pain… aren't we?_

"Also," House glanced at the television and sat down. "I feel different when I'm with you."

I froze. "…what?"

House gave me an annoyed look. "Don't make me say it again." He stood up once more and walked over to me. His body was close to mine, and I felt a warm feeling that I had only known for a short time, yet it was quickly becoming familiar.

While I was dazed, I felt his lips press against my own, waking me from my stupor. He pulled away after a moment, and from that kiss I knew how we both felt.

"I'm… in love with you," House finally said.

"You're not joking…?" I wanted to make sure that I didn't misinterpret anything.

"No." He was completely serious.

House stared at me for a while, waiting for me to respond.

"I…" I fumbled around for the right words, becoming flustered. I very much felt the same, but I was hesitant to accept my feelings until now.

I looked at him with resolve in my eyes. "I feel the same way… But, I didn't want this to happen at first."

He stared at me, his eyes urging me to continue.

"When I was first handed my… death sentence… I was just relieved that I didn't have anyone close to me. If I died, then I wouldn't be leaving anyone behind; no one would be hurt. But now… that's not true. And I don't want to hurt you when I die."

House continued to stare at me.

"What? That's how I feel… I don't want to hurt you…"

House deftly wrapped his arms around me and kissed me again, longer than before. I could still hear the television and the soft breathing of the coma patient behind us. I didn't want to, but after a moment I pulled away, confused.

"I think it would be better for the both of us to not think about that right now, don't you? Let's just enjoy the ride." House looked at me with a mischievous look in his eyes.

"It doesn't bother you that this is going to eventually end?"

"Not anymore. Like I said, don't think about it too much."

He quickly kissed my forehead and left the room, mumbling something about our patient. The smile that formed on my face faded as quickly as it appeared when my attention turned to the sleeping man beside me.

_I don't know if I can do this…_

Blocking the coma patient from my mind, I looked up at the television and watched the soap opera unfold. The two characters on the screen were professing their love for each other.

Smirking, I turned off the television and left the room.


End file.
